The Top 7… Power-ups you DONT want to collect

Perhaps not everyone got the memo. See, power-ups are meant to be a good thing. They are, by definition, supposed to power you up. As in ‘not power you down’. So why be so cruel as to program things into your game that can be collected by the player that don’t offer a few brief moments of awesome? Why would you do that? That’s like selling sweets that are actually poos. And that’s just mean. So why these 7 ‘power ups’ exist is anyone’s guess…

7) Skulls – Bomberman

There are only two good things about being ill. The first, and by far the most benevolent to partake in, is the simple enjoyment of having a perfectly legitimate excuse to sit on your arse and do categorically bugger all for a few days. It’s as therapeutic for the soul as it is healing of the body. We all need a little down-time from time to time, and sometimes the regular procession of weekends just isn’t enough. A little bonus weekend set within the middle of a normal week only ever does you good, even if you are leaking mucus from your face throughout.

Above: “Can’t you see what’s happening here? This Bomberman is dying!”

The other good thing, which comes from a far less emotionally healthy but no less satisfying place, is giving your illness to people you don’t like. Obviously doing this deliberately, or with anything life threatening, elevates you immediately to the level of psychopath. But realising that a total dick in your office now has the same vaguely unpleasant cold as you? Gold. “BAM! Take that, Tim in Accounts. Face-mucus for you, you vapid, self-important, vaguely misogynistic prick! And all your ties are shit”. And if you can make the timing of your visible symptoms work out right, he’ll never even know where his snuffly goop infection came from. A perfect crime.

Above: Come on, it doesn’t even look like it’s going to do you any good. Stay away!

That’s basically how Bomberman’s Virus pick-up works. Except the act of passing it on is, unfortunately, just a small, nay minuscule, silver lining. Because rather than infecting you with a cold, it drops one of myriad apocalyptically debilitating status effects on you. You’ll slow to a crawl. You’ll turn invisible. You’ll speed up to uncontrollable levels. You’ll start dropping bombs willy-nilly like some kind of high-fibre B52. Basically, when you get one of Bomberman’s viruses, you are going to die very quickly in one of many utterly humiliating ways. Your only hope is that you can take some poor sap down with you before you do. Better pray it’s not the slow-down virus then. If it’s that one, you’re f*cked.

6) The Care Package: Modern Warfare 2

Care packages? SRSLY!?! Yes. We’re not joking. Screw the care package. All they bring is disappointment. If you’re not very good at the game (like, say, Cundy, for example) and killing four enemies in a row is a minor miracle, then the care package is as glamorous as it gets. Want to be like the big boys in a helicopter overhead? Shooting and laughing and killing and being annoying? Well… TOUGH SHIT! YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH! Have a care package and STFU you stupid BABY!!!

Above: Army care packages are great, right? Well, yes, but not if they’re in a game called Modern Warfare 2

Nobody *wants* the care package. Players want the tactical nuke. Or the stealth bomber. Even the bloody Predator missile would be an achievement. But the care package? Screw the care package. It’s for losers. And for those losers it represents hope – an entirely misplaced hope that something genuinely good will be contained within its rectangular confines. But that never happens. Have you even seen the percentages? The chances of getting the AC-130 are 2.61%. TWO POINT SIX ONE PERCENT! That’s equal to NO BLOODY CHANCE.

Above: Is it too much to ask that Cundy gets to do this more than once in our lifetimes?

And the worst thing? As you stand there on the battleground quietly contemplating the crushing disappointment of yet another miserly care package carrying ammo or a bloody UAV, a better player – who you telegraphed your position to when you laid the CP marker – takes aim and snipes you dead. Either that or the care package just falls on your stupid head in one undignified insult to your inability to be any good at Modern Warfare 2. Seriously. Screw the care package.

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