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THE DREAD LIST
Things I’m not looking forward to…
Journey 2: The Mysterious Island
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Release date: 10 Feb
CGI porn. And that abs thing in the trailer is just repulsive.
[VAMS].
Mirror Mirror
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Release date: 16 March
I loathed Tarsem Singh’s Immortals , so I’m not looking forward to his take on the Snow White story. The trailer suggests it’s going to be another over-stylised piece of the fluff, with some unsubtle sight gags and a script that thinks, “Snow way!” counts as wit.
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Scary Movie 5
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Release date: 20 April (tbc)
Somebody please make them stop.
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Men In Black 3
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Release date: 25 May
Adored the first film. Snored through the second one. Have absolutely zilch interest in the third, especially after all this time. I’m secretly hoping it could prove me wrong and turn out okay, though the fact it appears to be an Austin Powers knock-off (with Will Smith’s Agent J traveling back to the groovy ’60 where Agent K is played by Josh Brolin) doesn’t sound promising.
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Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
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Release date: 22 June
Cards on the table here – I had to review Pride And Prejudice And Zombies for SFX and found the whole experience quite unutterably miserable, so author Seth Grahame-Smith isn’t on my list of “names that guarantee quality”. Grahame-Smith also wrote the book this film is based on, and adapted the script himself, so no, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter isn’t something I’ll be rushing to the cinema to see. Not even with Timur Bekmambetov directing.
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Paranormal Activity 4
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Release date: October (tbc)
Okay, that’s a pic from Paranormal Activity 3 . But I doubt 4 will look much different.
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The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D
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Release date: 5 October
Seriously?
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Touch
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A lot of people seem to be getting excited by this new US TV show that marks Kiefer Sutherland’s first starring role since 24 . It’s been created by Tim Kring, the man behind Heroes , and Fox seems to be confident it has a big hit on its hands (the show didn’t even go through the pilot process, just straight to series). But to me, it looks like a minefield of sentimental gloop. But no-one would be happier than me if, in three month’s time, I have to eat humble pie and admit it’s great. I’m just not getting a good vibe at the moment.
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The Secret Circle
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I’m still finding it hard to believe that this dreary, charisma-free show comes from the same showrunner who gives us the sparky, fun Vampire Diaries . I’m running out of the goodwill from that show to stick around and see if The Secret Circle ever gets exciting. For a show about witches, you’re lucky it they use their powers to do anything more than make a light bulb explode in any given episode.
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Fringe Being Cancelled
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I don’t want it to happen. I just dread it happening. The show appears to be living in borrowed time… and we all know that “borrow” is a dirty word in the current economic crisis. I fear the Bank Of Fox may cause a Fringe crash before long.
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The Reaction To Red Dwarf
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I’m not actually worried about the return of Red Dwarf . Sure, in its latter years on the BBC it wasn’t the show it once was. And “Back To Earth” wasn’t even the show it was when it wasn’t the show it once was during its latter years on the BBC. But I still enjoyed parts of “Back To Earth” despite all its problems, and it was more fun than most UK sitcoms these days (I’d take “Back To Earth” over Not Going Out or My Family any day). And the news that the show is being recorded in front of a live audience once again strikes me as a good move.
However, I am not looking forward to the fan reaction if the show is anything less than the greatest sitcom since Father Ted . I may avoid the internet the day after the first episode is aired.
